Baby Shower....My new nephew

My little brother who is 33 and his wife 30, are having their first baby this month, in about two weeks or less. Hmmmm....I can't express how hard it is to deal with this turmoil of emotions inside me. I was the first one they told back in March and I'm so glad they told me when no one else was around (they know about our issues) because I cried, right in front of them. I do have to say I've never ever felt like that before when I cried on that day..there was truly joy in my tears, as I am so happy for them and exited to have a new nephew, yet I also felt so defeated, useless, and wanted to crawl in a deep dark hole and never come out again, then I also instantly felt guilty, this is my little brother and his sweet, deserving wife, how could I be so selfish, as to have these feelings? How could I be negative about this? I am such an aweful person for not being happy for them!

Man! how aweful I felt. I cried for about two weeks after that, did a lot sitting in the dark, ignored my husband, and was just plain miserable. I have to say it changed my train of thought about this whole infertility crap. It put a sense of finality on it. I saw, that this is just how it's going to be and there is nothing that I can do about it. Life is going to go on and on and on, no matter what. I can either be a part of it or be a bitter old aunt with an empty womb. So, I'm choosing to be a part of it, of course, it's is really to only thing to do, but it is still so very hard, and I know the tears will be flowing when I first hold my beautiful tiny nephew with that newborn smell lingering everywhere; I won't be able to stop the tears, they are part of my life now and come way too easy over the stupidist things...I can't stand it!

My sister-in-law's shower was last weekend and it was a really nice shower. I had to fight of that familiar sting of tears only twice, which I thought was good, but I was hoping I wouldn't have to do that at all. I have been preparing for a while, and I thought now that this one chance at an IVF cycle has brought back some hope in my life, I would be okay and be able to feel that absolute true happiness that my sister-in-law deserves. Then as I sat there watching her open all that baby stuff and getting all that needed baby advice, I felt that familiar sting and tried to turn my head ever so slightly and fight them off, hoping that nobody sees the tears welling up in my eyes and the redness that instantly accompanies them. I don't think anyone saw, but yet there they were, those freaking tears! will I ever be able to deal with these things? Why can't I just be normal about this crap! I long for those care-free pre-TTC days, where these kinds of things were fun and I didn't dread holding my new nieces or nephews yet long to cuddle them at the same time, wishing so hard that I could have the chance to have our own little bundle of joy.

Well, I guess I feel a bit better getting that out, but I don't know if anything can erase it to make me feel normal again.

On a positive note, I have an appointment tomorrow morning, I find out when I start my Lupron injections. I'm so, so nervous and my emotions are starting to show now that it is getting closer...