Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Not much of anything

I don't have anything exciting to report. Still plugging along with my lupron injections, today will be the 10th shot. Af is due at the latest on the 3rd. Although, I have been really crampy the past couple of days, I'm wondering if it is due to the lupron. Hopefully, I should start stimming next week...YAY!

I've been busy with homework, studying and writing papers. Work has also been really busy, so I've pulled extra work over the weekend. Hubby and I are thinking of going to IKEA Saturday to buy a couple of chairs, it will be a nice mini getaway for the day. Our couch has really had it and it needs to go.

Sorry I don't have much to report, maybe next time. Have a great day!

Please feed my fish!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

New Addition to the family.

My little nephew, Schuyler was born yesterday. Everything went well. My sister-in-law was induced at 36 weeks due to some complications, they went in at 6:30 am and he was born at 5:41 pm, everything went very smooth and more quickly than the doctor expected. He is 6 lb 4 oz and perfect in every way.

I saw him today and I had no mixed emotions over it whatsoever. I held him for as long as I could, he is a darling little boy, letting out a squeak here and there. All I felt was pure joy and love, I'm so excited, we haven't had a baby in the family in almost 8 years,so it is overdue. I can't wait to watch him grow up and discover life, and I can't wait for Sunday so I can see him again! LOL.

Good day today!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Finally starting Lupron!

There is so much going on lately, but I'm glad about it. When it's busy I have less time to worry and feel sorry for myself, terrible I know!

The big news today is that I'm going to be an auntie again for the 8th time...Always an aunt and never a mom :( This one is hard though because of the IF component and also it is my little brother, by three years, which makes me feel old and skipped over. My SIL is only 36 weeks, she has had some complications and they found she lost 5 lb over the last week in addition to the 10 lb she lost before, so they decided to induce her this morning, we are all praying that everything turns out okay. It is slow going so far, but I'm hoping she holds out until I finish work and can be there. This weekend I was at their place and helped put together the crib and organize the nursery. I just kept moving and doing as much as I could and I did alright, I was happy, I kept thinking it will be me soon, and then I'll be going there for play dates.

I also had my appointment at the RE to see if I've ovulated yet, which I'm pretty sure happened on Friday, so it looks like I will be starting Lupron tonight...YAY, here we finally go! They said they would call if I shouldn't start, and they've got an hour left, so I'm pretty sure it's a go. Last week they called two hours after I was home to tell me not to start it yet. Next goal is AF, which I'm expecting on or about the first of october...Wish me luck and thanks for listening. Oh, and please feed my fish (they are to the right), I always forget.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Got my Lupron

I went in for my start date for Lupron and to check to see if I've ovulated yet. I got my 14-day kit for the lupron, but I haven't ovulated yet, she said I was close, I'm on cd18 today :(

I had a feeling this was the way it was going to go because I've had ewcm yesterday and today, so I'm probably ovulating today or tomorrow, plus I'm all achy like I always get when I ovulate. That is if I actually do ovulate. I've been wondering if I do, ever since my gyno told me I had classic polycystic ovaries and possibly annovulation. I only have one documented ovulation and that's when I was on Femara. So, I guess time will tell.

I go back in on Monday to recheck and if I popped that eggie, I will start injecting that night. It will be day 22 of my cycle. If it hasn't happened by then, I really don't know what the next step is. I know it stinks because it pushes my cd1 to October 1st or 2nd, as I know my luteal phase is usually 14 days, provided I ovulate today or tomorrow...hoping the Lupron doesn't change that.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Baby Shower....My new nephew

My little brother who is 33 and his wife 30, are having their first baby this month, in about two weeks or less. Hmmmm....I can't express how hard it is to deal with this turmoil of emotions inside me. I was the first one they told back in March and I'm so glad they told me when no one else was around (they know about our issues) because I cried, right in front of them. I do have to say I've never ever felt like that before when I cried on that day..there was truly joy in my tears, as I am so happy for them and exited to have a new nephew, yet I also felt so defeated, useless, and wanted to crawl in a deep dark hole and never come out again, then I also instantly felt guilty, this is my little brother and his sweet, deserving wife, how could I be so selfish, as to have these feelings? How could I be negative about this? I am such an aweful person for not being happy for them!

Man! how aweful I felt. I cried for about two weeks after that, did a lot sitting in the dark, ignored my husband, and was just plain miserable. I have to say it changed my train of thought about this whole infertility crap. It put a sense of finality on it. I saw, that this is just how it's going to be and there is nothing that I can do about it. Life is going to go on and on and on, no matter what. I can either be a part of it or be a bitter old aunt with an empty womb. So, I'm choosing to be a part of it, of course, it's is really to only thing to do, but it is still so very hard, and I know the tears will be flowing when I first hold my beautiful tiny nephew with that newborn smell lingering everywhere; I won't be able to stop the tears, they are part of my life now and come way too easy over the stupidist things...I can't stand it!

My sister-in-law's shower was last weekend and it was a really nice shower. I had to fight of that familiar sting of tears only twice, which I thought was good, but I was hoping I wouldn't have to do that at all. I have been preparing for a while, and I thought now that this one chance at an IVF cycle has brought back some hope in my life, I would be okay and be able to feel that absolute true happiness that my sister-in-law deserves. Then as I sat there watching her open all that baby stuff and getting all that needed baby advice, I felt that familiar sting and tried to turn my head ever so slightly and fight them off, hoping that nobody sees the tears welling up in my eyes and the redness that instantly accompanies them. I don't think anyone saw, but yet there they were, those freaking tears! will I ever be able to deal with these things? Why can't I just be normal about this crap! I long for those care-free pre-TTC days, where these kinds of things were fun and I didn't dread holding my new nieces or nephews yet long to cuddle them at the same time, wishing so hard that I could have the chance to have our own little bundle of joy.

Well, I guess I feel a bit better getting that out, but I don't know if anything can erase it to make me feel normal again.

On a positive note, I have an appointment tomorrow morning, I find out when I start my Lupron injections. I'm so, so nervous and my emotions are starting to show now that it is getting closer...

Busy, busy, busy!

Wow, I've been so busy lately. I've started school part time and I have a ton of homework, just from two classes. I'm sure glad I didn't take more. I signed up for school before I knew about this grant for IVF. It was kind of a situation where I was thinking, "well, it's been 5-1/2 years and no baby, no money for IVF, what am I going to do -- Go to school." I had to start doing something, I was rotting away in my own depression and self loathing here, which is not condusive to a good life for me or anyone around me.

Anyway, my professors are awesome, very laid back and I think I lucked out in that regard. My niece started school as well, she's 22 this year. Kind of wierd to be going to school with my niece, but cool too. But it makes me feel really old. We don't have any classes together, but maybe next semester we will. I have a Sunday awesome is that? It doesn't interfere with work. I'm so glad I'm able to do that, it relieves a lot of pressure. I have math twice during the week and English on Sunday...Sweet!

I also had to go to a baby shower this weekend, not just any baby shower either, my little brother (three years younger than me) and his wife are having their first many mixed emotions...I'll have to do another post because it will be way too long here.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Day 3 Baseline visit

I had a nice relaxing weekend in the Adirondacks. We went camping with some of my family, our annual camping I hope not to take next year because we will have a newborn...hopefully :) It was a good distraction from the waiting for AF.

I had my day 3 visit this morning. Everything went well, except I was left a little confused. First, the nurse gave me a prescription for BCPs because I had lots of little follicles and it was too early, she said I would take them for 15 days and then come in on 09/16 for the Lupron teach, but then when I was checking out she came over and asked me if there was a reason I should'nt be taking birth control pills because there was a note in my chart stating not to use birth control pills. I told her no, it never came up before, so she took the prescription away and said she was going to check into it. She told me to keep the appointment for the 16th which would be two weeks before my next AF is due.

What would be the reason for not taking BCPs if I have too many follicles too soon and the need is there? I have no contraindications to birth control pills, so there is no medical reason I need to avoid them. Anyone have an inkling of why they would do this? The only reason I can think of is maybe because we need a lot of targets for DH's sperm and this will help get more, although I don't know if that is how it works medically, it's just a guess.

I called to see if the nurse had talked to the doctor yet, she had, and I do have a contraindication, I have high triglycerides which was just diagnosed last month. So the birth control pills would put me at a higher risk for blood clots. I really hope this doesn't affect the quality of my follicles....dang it!!! High triglycerides runs in my mom's was in the 3000s when they found hers, the norm is in the 100s, luckily mine aren't that high yet, it was found early.

As far as starting the Lupron, they just start it after you have already ovulated. She said I'm due to start mine on the 18th as long as the blood work on the 16th says that I've ovulated. I usually ovulate on cd15 which is on the 14th, so I should be good to go, I may just need to take a few extra shots I guess.