Still Waiting.....

I haven't posted in a while, there really has been no new news. I am still waiting for AF to arrive to schedule my polypectomy. I have an appointment at the clinic on Monday to do some bloodwork to try and figure out where I am in my cycle.

AF was supposed to start around 10/30, but I have a feeling I only just ovulated earlier this week. About a week after I stopped all my shots on 10/14, I had light spotting every day for almost two weeks, then it stopped a few days before Halloween, then the next week on Tuesday, Weds, and Thursday I could have sworn I had good quality EWCM, but I felt just like my period was about to start, and now here is Friday and I have nothing, no cramps and dry CM.....Such frustration!

At least this may set my schedule during my off time from school, but only if my stupid AF gets here soon!

Other than that everything is going well. I am plugging along with school, So far I have all A's. I have scheduled my classes for next semester. Now I am just trying to keep my mind off of cycling because the frustration would distract me, and I would get nothing done. My husband and I have joined the gym, so it seems I am always on the go, which is good.

I will update more after Monday's appointment.

Have a great weekend everyone!

October Icomleavwe

Hello to all the icomleavweers. This is my first time participating, and unfortunately it fell on very busy part of the week. So, I have to make this shorter than I'd like, and I won't be able to do my postings until 2-marrow, as I am swamped with work and to top it off, my internet was out for two hours this morning, which has put me even more behind with work.

Here is how I began my IF adventure

As of today, my first IVF cycle was cancelled last week after 21 day of lupron and two days of follistim, due to an endometrial polyp. Now, I'm waiting for the evil AF to show, so I can schedule another polypectomy and then hopefully begin another cycle of IVF.

I am grateful for everyone's comments, concerns, and well wishes. It has helped me more than you know. It seems whenever I mention IVF to anyone I know, they instantly get quiet and change the subject. Which stinks, because talking about it makes me feel so much better, like I have a voice and people want to hear it. Thank you everyone for that!

Meet my nephew.

This little guy melts my heart. He will be 4 weeks tomorrow. His original due date was 10/16. He is starting to be more aware of things and looking everywhere. He has a beautiful olive skin tone, and he's such a good little boy. I can't wait to seem him grow, but at the same time I'd like him to stay small :) Ironically, he makes me forget all about my IF woes.

Question on AF?

After my cancelled cycle,I'm anxious to figure out estimated dates to try again, but it all hinges on when AF will arrive, and I really have no idea.
So this is a question for the ladies who have had a cancelled cycle or if you do know, please pipe up! I would have asked at the clinic, but I was a bit upset and wasn't thinking clear.

I took 10 IU of lupron for 21 days, starting on september 21st, then took two more days at 5 IU adding in 150 IU of follitism. I stopped all injections on the 14th. My last AF was 10/02, but I'm not sure that matters so much after all the injections. I don't even know if I'm supposed to ovulate. The doc says that af should start at the end of october, but to me this only seems possible if I ovulate by today, given a 14-day luteal phase, but then again, I don't know if I will ovulate because of the drugs!??? arrhhh! I'm so lost!

Any ideas on when I could possible expect AF?

Happy birthday to me!

Well today is my birthday! I'm officially 36 years old, bummer! I really wish I could turn back time, I feel like my ovaries are shriveling away. I used to always be excited about birthdays, I guess I still am a little bit, but it is overshadowed.

Still, I love seeing family on my birthday, and I do get to see and hold my new little nephew...maybe I can claim him all to myself because after all, it is my birthday.

It is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day, and my heart goes out to all who have endured.

I want to thank everybody for their encouraging comments and with the ideas for my paper, which I still have to write.

Cancelled

I went in today for my first monitoring appointment and my unlucky streak struck once more.

I have another polyp. A big ole uterine polyp swinging in my endometrial fluids. Son of a B_____!

This is my second one. I had one removed in 2008. So, now I stop all injections and wait for the wicked AF. Then it is on to a D&C, hopefully in the first week of November, and then start all over again. Big Bummer! Yeah-happy birthday to me!

The waiting will never end. I can see now that I was just born to wait...Six years is not enough time for me..noooo, I must wait for the rest of my life! WTF!

No July baby for me, September maybe.

Good news is that it won't affect the fact that I am using grant money, as long as I complete the cycle by March I should be okay, which is a huge relief, because if I didn't have the grant, there wouldn't be another attempt.

Excuse me while I crawl in a dark hole for a while

I need ideas, please help!

I don't know whether it is the IVF drugs or what, but I'm at a loss for coming up with something to write my next essay about. So, I'm putting it out there for suggestions. Please help!

I have to write an classification essay. This means I take something and break it down to analyze all its parts. For example, you could analyze friends, breaking down the different types of friends you can have, i.e. work friends, childhood friends, elderly mothering-type friends, or hobby friends.

Another example is different types of dreams; nightmares, dreams that seem too real, recurrent dreams.

I have so much happening right now every time I try to think of something to write about my mind races in circles. If you have any ideas can you please share them. Thanks in advance!

I love good weekends!

So this weekend was our 6th anniversary. My parents took us to the Texas Roadhouse in Kingston. It was a really cool place. They had all you could eat peanuts, and you were allowed to throw the shells on the floor. I had fun crunching them into the floor. We were trying to make a pile of shells, like you see in the cartoons, but they didn't want to cooperate, and we wanted to save room for dinner.

I had a ribeye steak smothered with mushrooms and onions, with a laoded baked potatoe and fresh vegetables, and it was delicious. It was cooked just right, tender, and very flavorful, and we had enough to take it home and eat it the next day, and it was still just as good. If you have a Texas Roadhouse restaurant in your area and you like steak, I recommend going. We had to travel about an hour to get there, but it was a pleasant drive.

Then on Sunday hubby took me out shopping for my b-day which is this Thursday. I picked out a stylish wool coat/jacket, it is really warm and I like it a lot. Although, I really wanted a Wii, but I know this is money better spent...there's always x-mas!

I ended the weekend knowing that I start my stims on Monday,(yesterday). So I was in a really good mood.

Monday came and I dropped my lupron to 5 mL and added 150 IU of follitism. It is in a pen, so once it was loaded I jabbed it in without a hitch. On Weds, I go for a monitoring appointment to see how my eggies are growing. I've been trying to eat really well, veggies and fruits, and plenty of water, so I can grow some healthy, quality eggs.

Blog award x2

Thank you Mommy in waiting and Sumer for the blog award!

Rules
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? Sewing
4. Your father? Retired
5. Your favorite food? Cake
6. Your dream last night? nothing
7. Your favorite drink? milk
8. Your dream/goal? motherhood
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? African Violets
11. Your fear? loneliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
13. Where were you last night? Khols
14. Something that you aren’t? selfish
15. Muffins? cranberry-orange
16. Wish list item? Wii
17. Where did you grow up? Grafton
18. Last thing you did? typed
19. What are you wearing? jeans
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? Kitty
22. Friends? Family
23. Your life? Busy
24. Your mood? unpredictable
25. Missing someone? Nana
26. Vehicle? Honda
27. Something you’re not wearing? slippers
28. Your favorite store? Khols
29. Your favorite color? Purple
30. When was the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Saturday
32. Your best friend? Margie
33. One place that I go to over and over? to bed
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? SIL
35. Favorite place to eat? Okinawa

I am awarding this blog award to:
1. Life and Love in the Petri Dish
2. I never thought it made sense anyway
3. Eggcetera
4. You, Me and a Petri
5. Our Someday Family...
6. Ambivalent Womb - Another "fertility challenged" woman's journey

Lupron suppression check

AF paid me a visit on Friday, so I had my suppression check yesterday. Everything looks good apparaently, and they gave me Follitism 150 iu. The problem is, I didn't start yesterday like I should have. I was told to wait a week and stay on the lupron until then because the doctor will be at a conference the estimated week of my procedures.

I'm a little dissapointed, but I guess it could be worse, like I could have not had this opportunity at all,or it could haven been postponed longer or cancelled all together.

I was kind of hoping my er would have been on the 16th as it would be the day after my birthday, and guess what I always ask for on my birthday? Yup you guessed it, a baby. Although, I can still consider this a present even if it is belated.

The week is already going fast, and we will celebrate our anniversary this weekend, so I'm already busy and the time will fly I'm sure.

Not much of anything

I don't have anything exciting to report. Still plugging along with my lupron injections, today will be the 10th shot. Af is due at the latest on the 3rd. Although, I have been really crampy the past couple of days, I'm wondering if it is due to the lupron. Hopefully, I should start stimming next week...YAY!

I've been busy with homework, studying and writing papers. Work has also been really busy, so I've pulled extra work over the weekend. Hubby and I are thinking of going to IKEA Saturday to buy a couple of chairs, it will be a nice mini getaway for the day. Our couch has really had it and it needs to go.

Sorry I don't have much to report, maybe next time. Have a great day!

P.S.
Please feed my fish!

New Addition to the family.

My little nephew, Schuyler was born yesterday. Everything went well. My sister-in-law was induced at 36 weeks due to some complications, they went in at 6:30 am and he was born at 5:41 pm, everything went very smooth and more quickly than the doctor expected. He is 6 lb 4 oz and perfect in every way.

I saw him today and I had no mixed emotions over it whatsoever. I held him for as long as I could, he is a darling little boy, letting out a squeak here and there. All I felt was pure joy and love, I'm so excited, we haven't had a baby in the family in almost 8 years,so it is overdue. I can't wait to watch him grow up and discover life, and I can't wait for Sunday so I can see him again! LOL.

Good day today!

Finally starting Lupron!

There is so much going on lately, but I'm glad about it. When it's busy I have less time to worry and feel sorry for myself, terrible I know!

The big news today is that I'm going to be an auntie again for the 8th time...Always an aunt and never a mom :( This one is hard though because of the IF component and also it is my little brother, by three years, which makes me feel old and skipped over. My SIL is only 36 weeks, she has had some complications and they found she lost 5 lb over the last week in addition to the 10 lb she lost before, so they decided to induce her this morning, we are all praying that everything turns out okay. It is slow going so far, but I'm hoping she holds out until I finish work and can be there. This weekend I was at their place and helped put together the crib and organize the nursery. I just kept moving and doing as much as I could and I did alright, I was happy, I kept thinking it will be me soon, and then I'll be going there for play dates.

I also had my appointment at the RE to see if I've ovulated yet, which I'm pretty sure happened on Friday, so it looks like I will be starting Lupron tonight...YAY, here we finally go! They said they would call if I shouldn't start, and they've got an hour left, so I'm pretty sure it's a go. Last week they called two hours after I was home to tell me not to start it yet. Next goal is AF, which I'm expecting on or about the first of october...Wish me luck and thanks for listening. Oh, and please feed my fish (they are to the right), I always forget.

Got my Lupron

I went in for my start date for Lupron and to check to see if I've ovulated yet. I got my 14-day kit for the lupron, but I haven't ovulated yet, she said I was close, I'm on cd18 today :(

I had a feeling this was the way it was going to go because I've had ewcm yesterday and today, so I'm probably ovulating today or tomorrow, plus I'm all achy like I always get when I ovulate. That is if I actually do ovulate. I've been wondering if I do, ever since my gyno told me I had classic polycystic ovaries and possibly annovulation. I only have one documented ovulation and that's when I was on Femara. So, I guess time will tell.

I go back in on Monday to recheck and if I popped that eggie, I will start injecting that night. It will be day 22 of my cycle. If it hasn't happened by then, I really don't know what the next step is. I know it stinks because it pushes my cd1 to October 1st or 2nd, as I know my luteal phase is usually 14 days, provided I ovulate today or tomorrow...hoping the Lupron doesn't change that.

Baby Shower....My new nephew

My little brother who is 33 and his wife 30, are having their first baby this month, in about two weeks or less. Hmmmm....I can't express how hard it is to deal with this turmoil of emotions inside me. I was the first one they told back in March and I'm so glad they told me when no one else was around (they know about our issues) because I cried, right in front of them. I do have to say I've never ever felt like that before when I cried on that day..there was truly joy in my tears, as I am so happy for them and exited to have a new nephew, yet I also felt so defeated, useless, and wanted to crawl in a deep dark hole and never come out again, then I also instantly felt guilty, this is my little brother and his sweet, deserving wife, how could I be so selfish, as to have these feelings? How could I be negative about this? I am such an aweful person for not being happy for them!

Man! how aweful I felt. I cried for about two weeks after that, did a lot sitting in the dark, ignored my husband, and was just plain miserable. I have to say it changed my train of thought about this whole infertility crap. It put a sense of finality on it. I saw, that this is just how it's going to be and there is nothing that I can do about it. Life is going to go on and on and on, no matter what. I can either be a part of it or be a bitter old aunt with an empty womb. So, I'm choosing to be a part of it, of course, it's is really to only thing to do, but it is still so very hard, and I know the tears will be flowing when I first hold my beautiful tiny nephew with that newborn smell lingering everywhere; I won't be able to stop the tears, they are part of my life now and come way too easy over the stupidist things...I can't stand it!

My sister-in-law's shower was last weekend and it was a really nice shower. I had to fight of that familiar sting of tears only twice, which I thought was good, but I was hoping I wouldn't have to do that at all. I have been preparing for a while, and I thought now that this one chance at an IVF cycle has brought back some hope in my life, I would be okay and be able to feel that absolute true happiness that my sister-in-law deserves. Then as I sat there watching her open all that baby stuff and getting all that needed baby advice, I felt that familiar sting and tried to turn my head ever so slightly and fight them off, hoping that nobody sees the tears welling up in my eyes and the redness that instantly accompanies them. I don't think anyone saw, but yet there they were, those freaking tears! will I ever be able to deal with these things? Why can't I just be normal about this crap! I long for those care-free pre-TTC days, where these kinds of things were fun and I didn't dread holding my new nieces or nephews yet long to cuddle them at the same time, wishing so hard that I could have the chance to have our own little bundle of joy.

Well, I guess I feel a bit better getting that out, but I don't know if anything can erase it to make me feel normal again.

On a positive note, I have an appointment tomorrow morning, I find out when I start my Lupron injections. I'm so, so nervous and my emotions are starting to show now that it is getting closer...

Busy, busy, busy!

Wow, I've been so busy lately. I've started school part time and I have a ton of homework, just from two classes. I'm sure glad I didn't take more. I signed up for school before I knew about this grant for IVF. It was kind of a situation where I was thinking, "well, it's been 5-1/2 years and no baby, no money for IVF, what am I going to do -- Go to school." I had to start doing something, I was rotting away in my own depression and self loathing here, which is not condusive to a good life for me or anyone around me.

Anyway, my professors are awesome, very laid back and I think I lucked out in that regard. My niece started school as well, she's 22 this year. Kind of wierd to be going to school with my niece, but cool too. But it makes me feel really old. We don't have any classes together, but maybe next semester we will. I have a Sunday class...how awesome is that? It doesn't interfere with work. I'm so glad I'm able to do that, it relieves a lot of pressure. I have math twice during the week and English on Sunday...Sweet!

I also had to go to a baby shower this weekend, not just any baby shower either, my little brother (three years younger than me) and his wife are having their first baby....so many mixed emotions...I'll have to do another post because it will be way too long here.

Day 3 Baseline visit

I had a nice relaxing weekend in the Adirondacks. We went camping with some of my family, our annual camping trip....one I hope not to take next year because we will have a newborn...hopefully :) It was a good distraction from the waiting for AF.

I had my day 3 visit this morning. Everything went well, except I was left a little confused. First, the nurse gave me a prescription for BCPs because I had lots of little follicles and it was too early, she said I would take them for 15 days and then come in on 09/16 for the Lupron teach, but then when I was checking out she came over and asked me if there was a reason I should'nt be taking birth control pills because there was a note in my chart stating not to use birth control pills. I told her no, it never came up before, so she took the prescription away and said she was going to check into it. She told me to keep the appointment for the 16th which would be two weeks before my next AF is due.

What would be the reason for not taking BCPs if I have too many follicles too soon and the need is there? I have no contraindications to birth control pills, so there is no medical reason I need to avoid them. Anyone have an inkling of why they would do this? The only reason I can think of is maybe because we need a lot of targets for DH's sperm and this will help get more, although I don't know if that is how it works medically, it's just a guess.

UPDATE:
I called to see if the nurse had talked to the doctor yet, she had, and I do have a contraindication, I have high triglycerides which was just diagnosed last month. So the birth control pills would put me at a higher risk for blood clots. I really hope this doesn't affect the quality of my follicles....dang it!!! High triglycerides runs in my family....my mom's was in the 3000s when they found hers, the norm is in the 100s, luckily mine aren't that high yet, it was found early.

As far as starting the Lupron, they just start it after you have already ovulated. She said I'm due to start mine on the 18th as long as the blood work on the 16th says that I've ovulated. I usually ovulate on cd15 which is on the 14th, so I should be good to go, I may just need to take a few extra shots I guess.

WHO vs. Kruger...Any thoughts?

First I'd like to say thanks for all your comments..I knew I would find a world of support here. I'm keeping our upcoming ivf from everyone in the family, but my little brother. I would love to tell my mom, but I know it would just cause me to stress more than I already do..too many questions...too many worries, I need to be as stress free as possible because I don't think we can afford a second cycle.

Now, on to other things...My dh went for his first SA in about 02/08, the urologist used WHO method. It came back low on motility, count, and morphology, we weren't that concered, as dh had trouble finding the place so the sample may have been too old. On the second one, at the same urologist, it came back as only slightly below on morph and forward progression motility, the urologist still said it was normal.

On to the RE...we did two SAs at this clinic using Kruger. They both came back with low motility, the worst one being 0%FF and 13%SF, and a morphology of 0% Dx: Severe asthenoteratozoospermia.

Now going to a new clinic, and a much better one I might add, the dr. tells us that he doubts dh has 0% morph, that the other clinic is more strict in thier critera. He still says we have about a 4% chance with IUI...(been there, done that, not doing it again). So IVF with ICSI it is.

Now in the meantime, last Friday dh had an appointment with a new urologist that specializes in fertility, also uses the WHO. DH had a great count, motility, and morph, and the sample was over an hour old...(I hope it is the Fertility blend and pyconogel he has been on for the last two months). It was the best one we've seen, so even the Kruger has to be improved, I pray! Dr. says he would dx us as unexplained and might be antisperm antibodies and drew blood to test for it...Although, thes wouldn't matter when doing IVF/ICSI.

I know the Kruger is meant for IVF and is much more strutenizing, but what I wonder is if he is normal on a WHO SA, does this mean our chances for a successful ivf are pretty good?

I know I'm trying to find answers that aren't there until it's said and done because everyone is different, but I am trying to be as positive as possible to help increase our chances, but the more positive I am, the harder I fall when AF rears her ugly head. If I start out pessamistic, then I won't hurt "as much" when it doesn't work. I don't want to do that this cycle, because it has to work! I will only say when and not if.

Are there any ladies out there that have a similar situation that have gone through IVF/ICSI? Did you have a lot of embryos fertilize and keep growing, enough to freeze? I would love to know, Any thoughts?

A bit of history

Like so many other couples we blissfully decided to conceive a baby one month after we were married. I had just turned 30 and was so ready to begin. After a few months with nothing, I started researching and doing things to boost our odds. At six months I went in for gyno check just to make sure all was well, which it was.

At one year, after charting, temping, timing perfectly, I began to worry. My husband, being the ever optimist, was not. Knowing we had no fertility coverage we held off a bit, then in an attempt to save money we decided to go without insurance (huge mistake...don't ever do it!). We were healthy and rarely went to the doctor anyway.

Fast forward to 4-1/2 years later, guess what? I come down with appendicitis and have to have an appendectomy with a three-day hospital stay. Great! No insurance. There goes our savings and much more! Boy, did we learn our lessen, the very hard way. Then to add to it, the surgeon said my left tube looked very inflamed and to get to my gyno right away. Which I did, turned out okay, thanfully, just general inflammation from the appendix, I was told.

I continued at the gyno, she had me do charting and temping for three months. Everything seemed normal, which I already knew from previous charting over the last four years. Then an HSG, in which they found my tubes clear, but found an endometrial polyp. That was removed during a hysteroscopy and then I started clomid for six months. Nothing happened still. Finally, she gives me the referral for an IVF clinic. They filled us full of optimisim, but it was not to be. Hubby's SA came back with pretty bad results, 0% morph, low motility, and low count, but they said it was still okay for IUI. We did four IUI's two without medication and two with femera which were all a no go. Knowing we could not afford IVF we stopped going to the clinic, also because my hubby's comapany switched insurance, so now my ultrasounds and blood work would not be covered because they didn't participate with the clinic.

In my depression and desperation, I was doing crazy searches on Google to find a way to pay for IVF. I finally found out about a NY grant that we qualifed for! We were even over qualified for it! I looked up the clinics that participated in it and found CNY which is 15 minutes from my house...I immediately called and made the appointment and about two months later, we were approved and are on the fast track for IVF. AF is due on or about the 31st of August and then I will get my calander on day 3.

I am so elated to finally be close to our goal and to finally begin our family! I am just happy knowing that even if IVF doesn't work out, it gives us an answer and a path, and best of all it stops the agonizing wait.